is my fear of failure, as ironic as that is.
I am the type of person who is afraid to fail, terrified to be less than perfect. While a lot of people with this fear will fight tooth to nail to prevent any failure to happen on their part, I am so afraid to fail, I am afraid to start things, or to continue.
I stopped playing two instruments because I was terrified of playing in front of ANYONE, because god-forbid I wouldn't be perfect. God-forbid I would human, capable of mistakes.
I stopped photography because I wasn't as good at figuring out the aperture or the f-stop, even though I was relatively good at guessing them and I have the ability to learn.
I stopped modeling because I was afraid I would fail at it because I am 40 pounds heavier.
I fear the fact that I will probably never start, or quit, dancing. I have been dying to learn to dance for a while, but am unable til I heal fully from my surgery, which will be at least 9 more months. I know myself too well and my heart breaks at the thought that I will let my life pass me by, I will not enjoy myself, and I will not experience so many things because I am afraid I will not be the best.
I am amazed that I have gone this far in college and intend to continue, especially since my GPA is far from perfect.
I need to find a way to work on this. I know what my first step to all of my problems is, are I am in the process of finding a therapist. I cannot continue this way, I refuse to live this pathetic life I live any longer.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
My OCD
Presently, I do not hate most of my compulsions and obsessions, as weird as that sounds. I also felt this close attachment to my eating disorder. Neither are good things, but it just is something you feel like is there for you.
But, the two things I feel are out of control are: The Chronic Skin Picking and the disgust I face when I hear water sounds.
The skin picking is something that calms me and actually makes me feel better when under stress, but it is getting beyond controllable. I pick at my scalp daily, causing bleeding and scabbing. It is painful to wash or dye my hair, yet I continue. I understand that my compulsions are just an avoidance mechanism from facing my anxiety, but it does make me feel better and I feel like I have bigger issues that need addressing and solutions before this. I just wish I could cut back on it.
The water sounds wouldn't be much of a problem if it weren't for damn commercials with people drinking, pouring liquids, sucking yogurt out of a container, etc. These sounds bother me to my core, for no particular reason. I feel my skin crawl and my body tremble when these sound present themselves. I try to avoid them, I try to mute the television when these commercials come out, but it is usually too late. I wish I knew why these bothered me so badly.
But, the two things I feel are out of control are: The Chronic Skin Picking and the disgust I face when I hear water sounds.
The skin picking is something that calms me and actually makes me feel better when under stress, but it is getting beyond controllable. I pick at my scalp daily, causing bleeding and scabbing. It is painful to wash or dye my hair, yet I continue. I understand that my compulsions are just an avoidance mechanism from facing my anxiety, but it does make me feel better and I feel like I have bigger issues that need addressing and solutions before this. I just wish I could cut back on it.
The water sounds wouldn't be much of a problem if it weren't for damn commercials with people drinking, pouring liquids, sucking yogurt out of a container, etc. These sounds bother me to my core, for no particular reason. I feel my skin crawl and my body tremble when these sound present themselves. I try to avoid them, I try to mute the television when these commercials come out, but it is usually too late. I wish I knew why these bothered me so badly.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
My first post
I have made this in an attempt to heal a broken soul. I hope my writings will be a brilliant verse that I can look back upon and be proud of, but I am aware of the likely path this blog will follow. Even if filled with mindless drivel, if it helps, then it will be worth it.
I am in the process of finding a therapist, which is a difficult person to pick. I am presently rushing my decision with the understanding that if I dely, I will eventually use it as an excuse to never see one.
But I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of feeling burdened with an unexplainable sorrow. I am tired of burdening others with it. I am exhausted of the lack of progress I have made, emotionally, in my two year recovery from an eating disorder. Please, someone, something save me from myself. My mind is an endless cycle of fears, anger, anxiety, urges and compulsions.
I am in the process of finding a therapist, which is a difficult person to pick. I am presently rushing my decision with the understanding that if I dely, I will eventually use it as an excuse to never see one.
But I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of feeling burdened with an unexplainable sorrow. I am tired of burdening others with it. I am exhausted of the lack of progress I have made, emotionally, in my two year recovery from an eating disorder. Please, someone, something save me from myself. My mind is an endless cycle of fears, anger, anxiety, urges and compulsions.
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