Kidney donation

So, in the past I have made many comments on what I would be willing to do for a stranger, and this included a kidney donation.
I was unaware HOW you go about donating to a stranger, so I started doing my research.

This seems so right and I feel compelled to continue on this path.

I have people ask me: What if a family member needs a kidney in the future, but you have already donated yours?

I cannot justly NOT save an individuals life (who IS going to die without receiving a kidney), just because of the POSSIBILITY that someone in my life will need one in the future. On of those things is a certainty, another is just a possibility.

Additionally, I would hope if a family member needed a kidney, that someone else would donate for them (there is a good chance I wouldn't even be a match) and I cannot expect someone to sacrifice in a way that I, myself, wouldn't be willing to do also.

I have also had people ask me what would happen if I developed kidney failure myself in the future? Would that change my opinion of donating?

No, that would not. Almost all things that cause kidney failure, do not select just one kidney. I would not develop kidney problems and think 'Well, thank goodness I have two kidneys', because in the end that would mean that two kidneys would be damaged instead of one. And again, that is only a slight possibility that I would have kidney problems, it is certain that dozens die every day waiting for a transplant.

Thanks to strangers, my loved ones received blood transfusions and bone marrow donations, so I am repaying the world for their kindness.

My biggest failure in life

is my fear of failure, as ironic as that is.

I am the type of person who is afraid to fail, terrified to be less than perfect. While a lot of people with this fear will fight tooth to nail to prevent any failure to happen on their part, I am so afraid to fail, I am afraid to start things, or to continue.

I stopped playing two instruments because I was terrified of playing in front of ANYONE, because god-forbid I wouldn't be perfect. God-forbid I would human, capable of mistakes.
I stopped photography because I wasn't as good at figuring out the aperture or the f-stop, even though I was relatively good at guessing them and I have the ability to learn.
I stopped modeling because I was afraid I would fail at it because I am 40 pounds heavier.

I fear the fact that I will probably never start, or quit, dancing. I have been dying to learn to dance for a while, but am unable til I heal fully from my surgery, which will be at least 9 more months. I know myself too well and my heart breaks at the thought that I will let my life pass me by, I will not enjoy myself, and I will not experience so many things because I am afraid I will not be the best.

I am amazed that I have gone this far in college and intend to continue, especially since my GPA is far from perfect.

I need to find a way to work on this. I know what my first step to all of my problems is, are I am in the process of finding a therapist. I cannot continue this way, I refuse to live this pathetic life I live any longer.

My OCD

Presently, I do not hate most of my compulsions and obsessions, as weird as that sounds. I also felt this close attachment to my eating disorder. Neither are good things, but it just is something you feel like is there for you.
But, the two things I feel are out of control are: The Chronic Skin Picking and the disgust I face when I hear water sounds.

The skin picking is something that calms me and actually makes me feel better when under stress, but it is getting beyond controllable. I pick at my scalp daily, causing bleeding and scabbing. It is painful to wash or dye my hair, yet I continue. I understand that my compulsions are just an avoidance mechanism from facing my anxiety, but it does make me feel better and I feel like I have bigger issues that need addressing and solutions before this. I just wish I could cut back on it.

The water sounds wouldn't be much of a problem if it weren't for damn commercials with people drinking, pouring liquids, sucking yogurt out of a container, etc. These sounds bother me to my core, for no particular reason. I feel my skin crawl and my body tremble when these sound present themselves. I try to avoid them, I try to mute the television when these commercials come out, but it is usually too late. I wish I knew why these bothered me so badly.

My first post

I have made this in an attempt to heal a broken soul. I hope my writings will be a brilliant verse that I can look back upon and be proud of, but I am aware of the likely path this blog will follow. Even if filled with mindless drivel, if it helps, then it will be worth it.

I am in the process of finding a therapist, which is a difficult person to pick. I am presently rushing my decision with the understanding that if I dely, I will eventually use it as an excuse to never see one.

But I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of feeling burdened with an unexplainable sorrow. I am tired of burdening others with it. I am exhausted of the lack of progress I have made, emotionally, in my two year recovery from an eating disorder. Please, someone, something save me from myself. My mind is an endless cycle of fears, anger, anxiety, urges and compulsions.